when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
