Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
