I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
