Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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