Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I faked an abortion last night.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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