i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You were trust falling into bushes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
