Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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