Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
