Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
