maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
