dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
