You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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