You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It's never too late to be topless.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
