at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
