So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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