I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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