apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
