is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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