no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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