John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
