My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
