every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
