I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
