Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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