Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
