Best friends brother. Beat that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
