I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
