alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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