Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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