For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
