new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
