I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
