the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
