I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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