i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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