I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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