I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
