My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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