we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
