Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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