I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
