im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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