I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
