Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
