How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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