I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
