Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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