It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
