I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
