had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
