Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
